One Year Out

What Now?

Exactly one year ago, I graduated with my PhD. It took me 6 years, I had two babies, and worked full-time throughout. It wasn’t a marathon so much as it was a series of continuous decathlons back to back with rest breaks that consisted of a 400 individual medley in between each one. It was, for those that don’t do sports metaphors, insane.

When you do insane things, you aren’t just automatically normal afterwards. And when you do insane things on repeat for 6 years, you are not automatically normal for some time afterwards.

One year out, I am not certain I am fully recovered. Especially as the year consisted of a busy work schedule, multiple grant and manuscript submissions, and the chaos that is life with a 5 and 6 year old. Not fully recovered, but getting there, perhaps.

The one year anniversary of my PhD coincides precisely with my semester break. The academic break brings rest, but more importantly brings time for reflection. I usually reflect within a career journal I have been keeping since I graduated with my DPT. It is useful, and insightful, and also hilarious. For example one time I was convinced I would open my own pilates/PT studio that also doubled as a coffee shop. Too many things, my dear. Too many things.

At the start of this break, I went back to my journal and something interesting happened. For so long, I have had a pretty long and somewhat consistent things on the horizon: graduate, promote, publish my dissertation. And when I looked ahead this time around, I had nothing obvious upcoming in terms of big goals. To be clear, I have plenty to do in work and life, but there is something about a lofty goal that will take years to achieve that has always given me a lot of meaning. And at the moment, I don’t have anything quite like that.

Now some people may find this to be perfectly ok. But I started this article by describing myself as positively insane. Or rather, I am someone who tends to do things that are insane (people first language). So not having any big projects is somewhat defeating. Ok, maybe not defeating per se, but not very motivating.

So what now?

In college, I worked at the Writers’ Center, and when I was about to graduate, the director of the center gave all seniors a hand-written note (which I still have) and a copy of Ann Patchett’s graduation speech, which was turned into a book: “What Now?” The speech does not exactly answer that question, but rather describes how to be open, present, and appreciate the journey. It does so in little anecdotes ranging from baking cookies in a dorm to spending time with a stranger in an airport.

I have read this little book cover to cover more times than I can count since it was gifted to me. It has, at times, given me clarity in decisions. At others, it has given me comfort that its ok even if I don’t know what’s coming. This time, I don’t have a precise “What Now” in terms of which things I will pursue, but I am starting to come up for air and look around. And as I do, I am trying to pay close attention to the things that bring me excitement. Not things that are easy, or make sense, or might be profitable, but things that genuinely give me excitement.

One of those things I am feeling excitement for is something that has been a piece of me since my Writers’ Center days, but has not always manifested: writing. And the thing about writing (just like one of my other favorite things running), is that to be a writer, one must simply—well—write!

So, write I will.